jellydoughnut84

It's been a long time since I've written on here. I mean a LONG time. 

School was... school. I failed a class because I never showed up the last month or so of it. Opps? It's not really a big deal. I aced two other classes and got a B in the other one. I'd say "uneventful" semester, but it was anything but!
The semester went something like this:
-  move into 4-man suite by myself
-  donate blood during campus shooting
-  meet adorable, caring, sexy man who tore his ACL while playing my fav sport (volleyball)
-  take a short trip to V Tech to return support.
-  cry my way through theater final/midterm
-  fall in love with ACL guy  <3
-  end semester and move into big sis' house
-  celebrated one month anniversary with ACL guy
-  got a job at a local food market as a bagger
-  celebrated two month anniversary with ACL guy

That sums up my life so far.

My little sister is getting married in a little over TWO weeks! I'm excited for her, but there's the typical envy because I want to be married and have that part of my life taken care of. I'm happy that she has found someone worthy of her love and whom she loves very much. I'm happy too that the man she is marrying is a close friend of mine. 

     Relationships with friends that I thought would never turn out have! And relationships with other friends that I never thought would go away have also! Thank heavens!! 
     Medically things are going better, with the exception of the loss of a medication I was dependent on. I will cope. My dosage is going up on a medication that's been working well for me. 
     I've managed to pick up some more hours this week! Hurray for more money but MAN AM I SORE!!!! My legs and back and arms and fingers and skin and head hurt like never before! My skin is mostly just dry and that's the problem with that. My poor fingers keep getting cut by stupid cereal boxes that I swear are out to get me.

Oh yeah! AND I got my hair cut. I got SIX inches taken off! Welcome back to freshman year of college??

:D And I obviously have the internet back on my computer because I'm not going insane trying to write this! :D

*A4

I just got back to DeKalb, was dropped off by a brother-in-law.
Also, I just found out that classes are cancelled until Monday, February 25th.
There will be a memorial service at the Convocation Center on Feb 24th.

I don't know what to do. I don't understand how people can harbor such anger and hostility in themselves. 
How am I, as a teacher, supposed to explain these kinds of actions? I know how I could explain it now, but it doesn't make the pain and fear go away. 
I feel odd because I don't think I know anyone who was directly harmed by the actions of 2/14/08, but I still feel an incredible sadness for the entire University. 

I believe that every person has their own agency. I am not saying "free" agency because with every choice is a consequence, be it good or bad. No matter what moral, social or legal laws there are enforced or believed by any majority, each person has to make the decision for themselves about whether they will follow them. I think what saddens me the most is that someone would use their agency to take away the agency of others. There are now countless people who have had decisions made for them because of that gunman's actions. 
I know life is not fair. I thought I had come to terms with that. It is a tragedy when someone's life is taken away from them. When someone else makes the decision for that person that they no longer get to live, breath, smile, dance with friends, argue with family or even be angry and alone. 

I hope that things can change. I want to believe that not everyone is that cold. I want to believe that there are still good, helpful, caring people in the world, but everyday I see something like this happen, my hope shrinks a little bit more.

What choice do I have?
I can make the choice to stand up for what I believe in. I can make the choice to help society in a way that is positive. I can make the choice to say, "ok. I may not agree with that person's beliefs or actions, but it is their choice. I cannot make the decision for them."

I hope that each of you can make the choice that you feel is best for you.

I hope that when Northern Illinois University comes back to session on February 25th, there are less dirty looks... less talking behind someone's back... less ignorance of other's beliefs or choices... less general hatred.

It is my responsibility to make my choices in the best way I know how. 
It is my choice to strive to remain a positive and helpful member of any society that I live in.

*Once an NIU Huskie, Always an NIU Huskie.

My tonsils have been swollen for about two weeks. I went in to Health Services on Tuesday and they said I had a sinus infection. They didn't want to prescribe any medication for me because of what I'm already on. So, I'm riding it through. I got the flu (or something similar to it) last night and had to cancel on a "Surprise" (sex toy/supply) Party last night at my friend's house. This afternoon I was feeling better so I decided to get something other than saltines to eat. I got a roast beef & cheddar sandwich for lunch from the dining hall. One hour later I was stuck in the bathroom. I don't think they kept the cheese cold enough. : /
I'm kinda done being sick. Or at least letting it affect me. I've decided to ignore it. (I'll let you know how well that works...)

My SPR (Student Performance Review) is 1-3 pm, on Wednesday, February 13th. My big (oldest) sister is coming out to hold my hand through it. I'm grateful for her support. I had another big sister read through my letter for the committee to make sure I didn't mispell silly words or write things that didn't make sense. My advisor looked it over too and I got that turned in Tuesday morning. The letter is simply designed to move the process along so the meeting will not take as long. I had to write and inform the SPR committee of everything that has been going on lately that has largely impacted my life. (IE: DCFS, discovering things about childhood, ADHD, depression, panic attacks.) My educational advisor suggest that I be review for PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. (I'll ask my Psych about is when I see him in a few weeks.)  ...I'm a little nervous for the meeting, but I don't think things will turn out badly. I'm not preparing myself for that.

I've got a monologue to practice for my Theater for Non Majors midterm. It's from The Painter of His Own Dishonour by Pedro Calderon de la Barca. (Without looking at it!) Here it is: 
"Oh, ill betide that villain love, not love, that all it's object and affection finds in the mere contact of encircling arms! But if this move you not, consider Alvaro, Don Juan is a nobleman. As such, bound to avenge his honour. He must know twas you who did this monstrous act, for Flora would tell him all. There is one remedy; That you, despairing of my love, which you can never gain, forego me quite, and give me up to some cold convent's cloister, where buried I may wear away."
I am  SO nervous. The teacher had me work through it a little bit in front of the class. (Everyone had to/will have to do this) He said I need to be "teasing" and "sensual" for this. That makes me even more nervous because I am scared to show people how I am when I act that way. 
I've still got TONS of reading to do for my History of Modern Latin America class. I'm now regretting signing up for this one.  My other classes are going well. I had to choke my way through a journal entry on A Raisin in the Sun because I only had the cliff notes. I guess I'll see how well I did when I get my journal back on Tuesday. I got a 70% on my first GEOG 101 exam. I didn't study and forgot about the test until the night before. Obviously I need to be more on top of things from here on out in ALL my classes. 

I still have not gotten anyone to come out and fix my heating. I'll have to get that done soon. My hands are very cold as I'm typing right now and it annoys me. My friend said I might have a heart problem. I told said friend that it was possible but I was not about to try and find one more problem with myself/body. 

I made a new friend! ...Kind of. Ok, so I knew the kid back at West Aurora High School, but that hardly counts. I only had him in one class and neither of us really talked to the other. (Though I vaguely remember having a crush on him I think... I'll have to check my old journals.) He's in my GEOG 101 lecture class so now I have someone in there to distract me from the semi-boring lectures. At least I'm learning about Earth science. I generally like learning about those kinds of things. Anywho, I'm excited to have a new face to hang out with.

And now, since it's been 4 hours since my last nap, I'm tired again. Perhaps I will locate some caffeine and force myself to stay awake longer than 5 hours.

*A4
(Agh! The emoticon made me yawn!!)

I'm not feeling very productive today.
I went to bed at 12 then woke up at 3, was up for 3 hours, went back to bed at 6 and woke up again at 9. 

I have a ridiculous amount of reading to do and I need to type up my SPR letter and bring that in. I'm not really feeling the whole "homework" vibe today. I wish I had gotten this done over the weekend. 

*A4

Weather report from DeKalb: COLD!

We've been on a windchill warning for almost 24 hours!  -20 to -35 F with windchill. 0-5 F withOUT.

Stupid wind. It knocked my backpack off of me last night. Students were huddled, literally huddled inside the bus booths waiting 20 minutes for a dang bus to come. I was so excited to see a bus that I jumped on and took at 30 minutes ride around campus to make it back to my dorm without having to walk.
I don't want to go to class. 
I've decided that I either want a golf cart or a snowsuit. 

In addition, I've felt sick for nearly 3 days straight. I know why... meds. What can I do? The antibiotic upsets my stomach... which makes me not want to eat... which makes me feel worse. Yesterday I REdiscovered why it is important to eat properly. I passed out outside my theater class. (I'm fine!) I just need to start being smarter. 
At my last doctor's appointment I was weighed at being 152lbs. That's fine with me so long as I can stay around there. I don't think being mega skinny will help me at all at this point. My BMI (Body Mass Index) is 22.8. That's in the normal range. 
http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/

I need to take a shower and go find something more appetizing that microwave Mac & Cheese for lunch.
*A4

OH! My Student Performance Review (SPR) will be February 13th from 1-3pm. I'm nervous about it, but I am confident that what information I have to share will be helpful. I have to write up a letter explaining what happened with my math class last spring, family problems and problems I had with my cooperating teacher. My supervisor and advisor will be there speaking on my behalf. Two of my former teachers are on the committee too, so hopefully that will help. 

Well, I got the internet hooked up to my computer in my room. I still have no roommates. I'm not expecting to get any. 
I'm having a bad day because I can't get the rest of my things hooked up properly. I'm on the verge of kicking my computer, but the last time I did that it stopped working correctly... So I guess I won't. 
I applied for a ton of jobs online. I've got some other applications to turn in, but since it's Sunday and most fo the places are closed (and by most I mean one), I'm not going out till tomorrow morning. 
AND I can't even make this stupid microwave mac and cheese. :/

... I need... I don't know. I need something. 
Yuck. Today is a pointless day I think.


*A4

It's been a little bit since I last updated. 

I'm still in Chicago. This has now taken place as the longest I have been away from home. I've been here for... almost 6 weeks, 6 1/2 when I leave. (A close second is SLC at 4 weeks.)
I'm still waiting on my dorm papers and more information about my SPR (Student Performance Review).
I'm moving to Sister #2's house at the end of next week (possibly the 3rd). There were complications at my parents house and I can no longer live there peacefully. I'm *very* angry about that. 
After about a week at Sister #2's house I'm moving to DeKalb! I'm going to live in the dorms and be a real college student! (Not that I wasn't before but... it's different.) I'm very excited to be living away from Aurora for a semester. I'm signed up for spring classes. I managed to get most of my classes on Tuesday and Thursday. I've got one Wednesday class. I'm hoping to get a job in whatever dorm building I'm living in. Or mayhaps at the local Jewel/Walmart... whatever, low key college job. 

I'm ready to keep moving.

*A4

I was playing racquetball with my brother-in-law and hit him on the back of the neck and on his mouth!
I feel bad.
He says he's okay. 
I still feel bad.